I had a dream,

which turned into a mirage...

I'm beginning to wonder now as to why everything i believed in is slowly breaking out of the perfect mould that it was in and coming out as an ugly, in-the-face truth.
i feel helpless sometimes; and all i want to do is run out and complain and do whatever necessary to correct things around me. but i just feel like im stupefied. plain stupefied.


The shallowness in people and situations is making me disillusioned with life and the very purpose of existence. not that im tilting towards another one of those self-discovery kind of posts looking for meaning in life...actually, i have just stopped looking. stopped looking for a soul,wondering about the purpose of having a conscience.
the level of hypocrisy and shallowness in people around me is making me wonder about the very existence of things like morals and principles. like they say: 'promises are made to be broken'; maybe morals and principles are there to be forgotten.
im not trying to be an idealistic person here, but i dont know what i am trying to do here either. what i do know is that there is no soul in the world today.
i always dreamt of a world; a not-so-perfect world but a world that could have been perfected; but slowly and steadily im being introduced to world whose ways are just too different from what i ever expected to confront; a world where the concept of a 'friend' is either non-existent or way too garbled for me understand. a friend for me is one in whom you can confide in just about everything and whose presence is in its simplest form; reassuring. but the world that im rudely waking up to is a world where friends are people you go out drinking with and do anything but confide in coz u never know what this 'friend' can turn out to be...and yaa his presence will be reassuring only when he is there to foot the bill with you; but before and after that he is just a prick who is out there to take advantage of your fat wallet.
i dunno where i went wrong in dreaming about my perfect world, or maybe thats where i went wrong...in expecting that there can be a perfect world.
maybe im overreacting or maybe im too immature to understand the way the world functions or maybe im just not meant to be a part of this world...

and the engine fell silent...

march 17th 2006. william uncle is dead.
After I landed in Hyderabad; the first thing that i wanted to do was get my kinetic back into shape and where else other than the my dear william uncle's ameet kinetic works.
thanx to my every so lazy bum; someone else dropped my vehicle off at the garage for the work to atleast begin.
and it was when i went to pick up my vehicle that i got the shock of my life! infact that was when i firmly decided that god has a terribly mixed up head.
william uncle, MY william uncle was no more! he was just...gone!
after i heard that he was no more; my head just went numb. plain numb. like the feeling you have in your legs after sitting in the same position for too long.
after informing me abt uncle's death; the guy went on with the details, but my mind just failed to gather anything of what he was saying. and all the noise around me went silent. and my mind just kept whirring. i dunno why i was feeling that extreme levels of hollowness...maybe it was because of the sheer unexpectedness of the situation or maybe because i was reliving another one.
i was reliving the same numbness in my head, the same feeling of standing in a crowd but deaf to all sounds except for the sounds in my head.
william uncle managed to make me feel like i still had a father figure.
he was one of the most genuine persons i had known; someone who kept alive the sense of compassion in a world where it had been close to banished.
he has helped people without expecting anything in return; not even gratitude.
and whenever i met him, there used be a ray of hope of meeting people who were in the real sense beautiful people. there used to be the faith that god after all isn't as crazy as i thot he was.
but then all this had to changed by that crazy psychotic god of mine.
i wonder why i still believe in the concept of god; maybe because that to an extent soothes my fears and inhibitions but then an illusion doesn't hold too long or does it?
then slowly i realised that its almost 5 yrs now since dad passed away. the man who is an angel now; and is watching out for me at every turn...
the man who loved me despite being an absolutely worthless being; who stood by me in all circumstances even when i was solely responsible for the shit i was in.
and who was just the most amazing human being i had and would ever know.
love you ever so much

lunch and some perspectives

I had some friends over for lunch today.
all, except one of them, were very new to the south-indian cuisine.
well, this was not the first time that i had to explain to my friends as to why the curry leaves went into rasam or why curd is eaten on a daily basis and that too with rice.
but this was not the first time that i was struck by the patronising attitude of my 'north-indian' friends.[ please note that i still consider them as my friends; its just the patronising north-indian part of them that irks me]

3pm. lunch is served. bisibele bhaat, rasam, plain rice, curd, payasam and appalam.
and the conversation starts off with why south-indians are pre-occupied with rice. well, geography lessons do come in very handy at such times...you are down south buddy! rice is the staple food here and why? well...wetlands+ humid climate+alluvial soil = best combination for growing rice in plenty; these conditions by the way are not available 'up north'. hence, we southies are 'rice crazy'.
and then the conversation shifts to how we southies worship film-stars like rajnikanth and chiranjeevi and even build temples for them. well, so what! seriously...so what if temples are built for film-stars?? a temple is a place of worship right? and where is it mentioned that places of worship are meant only for the gods? well, your very own kolkata is not far behind in film star worship by making idols of film stars during the auspicious durga puja...infact they go one step ahead and worship cricket stars even! the bottom line; there's nothing wrong in this kind of craze and its nothing to look down upon is the more important point.
the point where i started i really started going 'grrrr' was when this logic was put forth to me: 'as we come down south, the babe factor in girls also comes down'.
on a neutral note, why are all 'northies' this good at making sweeping statements about people or things that are south-indian?
well, babe or not-babe; thats very personal thing which is none of anybody's business and that is respected.
why even the elevators were not exempt from the cynical northie eye...that just was the last straw; why behave like you are from from some western country when you are from some place about 1000miles from here where im sure you would have seen creaky elevators, air-coolers [and not just ACs], people who still live a simple, non-pretentious life.
there was one thing i couldn't help but think about; women in the place that my dear friend comes from live in perpetual fear of men. any woman would rather live in a place where she is safe and is given her space rather than in a place where she cannot live in peace.
all of us have our imperfections and rightly so, but then we don't have a right to look down upon someone or something; when we have skeletons hanging in our own closet.
i may be going terribly wrong in most of the staements that i have made in the previous lines; but the bottom line of even writing this post is not to spew venom at everything north; but instead to point out that a condescending attitude is never taken well, even if an extra pinch of salt is added.

[P.S: all these northie friends of mine will remain dear to me despite their sometimes annoying attitude :) ]

9:30pm. dinner is served. rice, rasam, vegetable curry, curd & payasam.
simbly south :)


a typical south-indian festive food spread

pet peeves...!!??

the main event of today: teaching scooby to jump. and im sure; infact im definite that he knows about the law of gravity!
picture this: me trying to teach him the nuances of standing up and sitting down when 'told' to do so.
why nuances; coz he doesnt understand commands, he shall work[which in his case is getting up and sitting down] only when he is begged to do so. hence, one fine sunday morning when everyone at my place were off doing important/useful things in life, it was just me and scooby at home who were competing to be the most useless one around[FYI: I WON! :)].
and it was then that the brilliant idea of 'teaching' him some basics of being a dog dawned upon me. and i trotted off to the kitchen to get some goodies for him. and with his favourite goodie in hand[which happens to be a marie biscuit] i summoned him-but my pet fails to understand commands, as i explained earlier. he is by the way the dog who thinks he is a human; hence there is always a power struggle betwen me, scooby and my kid sis.
now how does one possibly explain to a stubborn dog that the bean bag is not always for him to sit on; but normal humans have relatively greater ownership of the bean bag.
okay now coming back to the tution that i intended to give scooby.
the first command worked pretty well...the 'sit' command.
or so i thought. coz, as soon as the goodies vanished, i understood that when he loses interest or prefers to wait for the goodie to come swinging in his mouth; he just sits which i mistook for his obeying my command to sit.
stupid me!
second command-the 'stand' command. just didn't work; he dint see a reason to stand for a goodie which could rather come flying into his mouth and when he was plain tired of my persistent screaming: "stand scooby", he decided to 'switch on' the mute button in his head and continue sitting and in a few seconds he started pretending that he's sleeping. then i finally gave up and pulled up his collar to explain to him that stand means standing all his 4 legs but everything in vain because he doesn't see logic in standing while he might as well sit and be that much more comfortable.
me being typically me, without actually giving up on him, continue with my command session.
third command: jump[ as in jump for the goodie which i throw in the air]
here is when i found out; infact was absolutely sure that he knows about the law of gravity. hence, the situation where he will just not jump for the goodie but will infact patiently wait for it to come back and fall on the ground. not that he doesnt know how to jump or anything; but he just doesn't see logic in jumping for something which will come crashing on to ground eventually.
after that gruelling session; i gave up and sat back with the goodie in hand. and then scooby trotted to the sofa i was resting on and sweetly took the goodie from my hand and trotted back.
then when i thought back, i realised how good the logic is; when i desperately want something, i run behind it to acquire it and i keep trying and trying and trying but when i give up trying; it comes and falls into my lap[figuratively speaking] like it was always mine. [disclaimer: this logic does have its exceptions; and quite a few at that]
bottom line: lady luck is out there always testing your patience; impatience to be precise and when we do show patience and to an extent faith, that thing does eventually become ours, and rightfully at that.
this ofcourse doesn't mean that i sit back and not try for anything, its just about giving it one good try and then having patience.
finally! i did make some good use of the sunday; scooby got his goodies and i got my gyan snaan!

O! my gawd!

thanx to my vella status; i've lately been watching a lot of television and that includes watching loads of re-runs.
one such morning; i ended up watching a re-run of the 'oprah winfrey show'.
well, i have to accept that i admire the woman for for what she has accomplished in life[which includes her personal fortune...!]
well, coming to the point, today's show included this bit where one author [who's name i dint bother to remember] was on the show to publicize his new book-"he's just not that in to you" [i hope i got that right]
everything was okay till the point where he started passing judgements about people's relationships. what made me even more cross was when all those women sitting in the audience were absolutely fine with all the nonsense that he was indulging in.
okay lemme describe the situation:
one woman tells the author that she went out with a guy who for a couple of meetings looked very interested in her and suddenly one fine day went poof! and vanished into thin air.
and the author without even as much as blinking bluntly tells her: "he's just not that into you"
when did book authors become experts on relationship problems..??
even if he is some kinda expert worthy of praise; why...?? why do the women have to indulge in public humiliation and be happy about it..?
this just explains the power of media all over again...kudos to that!
but look at this: one guy out of nowhere comes and asks you about your relationship/dating problems and you blurt out whatever's in ur mind...and he publicly announces that u are an idiot.
in normal situations the guy would have been at the least been given an ear-ful but no; this is oh! so famous O! show.. hence the guy will be applauded endlessly and his book will do amazingly well.
the high point of the show was when they featured this guy who is some hot-shot businessman in NewYork and is one of the most eligible bachelors around.
and this dude is asked to reveal his dating secrets and how he manages his dating life? and he manages it like this:
he has divided the women in tiers! like tier 1, tier 2, tier 3!!!!!
women segregated in tiers!!!!!! and i was thinking: "somebody please explain the nonsense going on here". why nonsense?? because all the women in the audience found nothing demeaning in that and were absolutely okay with it.
some guy was dividing them into tiers...
and he manages the tiers like this:
tier 1,2: on weekdays when he doesnt have much time to spend but has some spare time for a drink, etc.
tier 3: weekends.when he has all the time in the world to spend...
i dont have a problem with the way the guy manages his life...but what i do have a problem with is the fact that the women donot find any part of that demeaning!!!
i would love to see how the guys would react to being segregated into tiers and managed accordingly by women they were dating, wouldn't their over inflated egos scream and raise a storm?? why wasn't such perfectly normal behaviour coming from these women??
what i dont understand is why is the heart[which doesnt have any self-esteem to call its own] allowed to reign in situations where the head should definitely do the talking!
at the end of the show all the women we are gung-ho and couldn't stop applauding the big O! and the author and the felt everything in love-life was going to be just fine by clutching that book close to their heart.
women empowerment...??? yaa right; empowerment- my foot!
i aint no feminist..if thats what im coming across as..but what i am is someone who cannot tolerate self-imposed stupidity.

global gyan part: 2

i guess i have slipped into one of my senti modes[read: annoying] hence wanted to publish what i had painstakingly written one frustrated evening when all i wanted to do was turn around and run. from what? dunno...just wanted to run away...from logic, from people who were making sense...or maybe just wanted to run away from people...!! ohkay again slipping deeper into my senti mode. before i incurably get into my senti mode...i'll paste my 'oh-so-senti' piece of work.
actually...wanted to see it published some day...looks like my dream of seeing it published is coming true...;)

Here goes:

The rustle of the leaves and the soft lullaby of the autumn breeze all remind me of the times that I have wished to live. . .
The sweet melody of the birds coming back from south reminds me of the dreams that I dreamt. . .
The humble humming of the hills makes me aware of the times that have passed by but cannot be re-lived. . .
The gentle wafts of water remind me of the dreams that have been lost in tears. . .
The melancholic sunset reminds me of the dreams of walking hand-in-hand towards a future; the dreams that have come alive . . . but someone else seems to be living them. . .
The autumn morning rings in everyday to bring the monotonous days filled with aimlessness, despair and a sense of hopelessness.A hopelessness that makes me wary about dreaming dreams which threaten to come true in someone else’s life and break my heart yet again. . .

thinking...thinking..thot! but what??

2030 Hrs, Tank Bund road.
behind the wheel, pet in the back seat. on the way to the vet.
basically part of an extremely annoying event; especially when the pet is howling and trying to escape.
and precisely at the crossroads which leads to the secunderabad stretch of the city, i slip into my wonderland[???]
this time im thinking about the movie 'crash' that watched the other weekend...
despite the movie's ability to overboard with its abstractness; it appealed to my partially dead brain.
and the scene where lock-smith gives the impermeable cloak to his daughter is absolutely adorable and is the 'can-watch-manytimes-over' kinda material.
a must watch for all ppl who like getting a lil senti while watching movies.
then my thoughts suddenly shifted to my flatmates...kaapish, beauty queen, miss.clumsyand miss.book worm.
[if u guys ever read this; lemme tell u...love u all and miss u all]
okay wat about them??
one short story starts here...
goof ball goes back home one fine evening and kapish is sitting in the living room doing her usual vella stuff.
goof ball, instead of being her usual self goes straight to her bed and crashes...weeping.
and the whole mad house gathers in about 30 seconds to find out why goof ball was that miserable.
there is kapish who is wiping the huge tears off goof ball's face without getting herself wet, then there is miss.clumsy and beauty queen trying to be all funny and non-sensical[being themselves] to divert goof ball's attention; and then there is book worm trying to logically explain to goof ball as to why she shouldn't be wasting her precious time crying over something really useless. and after 3 days of their continuos effort goof ball comes back to normalcy or something like it.

i donno what the bottom line of describing the whole scene really is.
but what i do know is that only heaven knows what goof ball would have done if the rest of the mad house wasn't there with her.
maybe we dont need an adversity to realise how dear some people are to us. maybe we dont need to crash into a person to realise we are humans.

yours truly...

i dont like this font too much and i have spent enough time trying to figure out which font actually suits the nature of my blog...but without any success.
partially because im not too sure if my blog has a well-defined nature to demand a font that suits its style...
was going through this self-assesment thingie called the johari window; a descriptive analysis which u do first on urself and then ask other people to analyse your character.
well, it sounded kinda fun in the beginning so, i finished massaging my ego and then passed on the link to other friends of mine who were in the vicinity to do this analysis.
and there started the wierd spiral in my head; once my friend started taking the test; i had this uncomfortable feeling of being dissected publicly; though it was one friend who was taking the test; no sooner that it began i started praying for it to end before i shift to another wierd spiral in my head.
well, it all ended well; my friend thinks im creative(!!!), friendly (!!!!!), intelligent(rofl) and enterprising (lol)...how much of it is true...is ummm....well...actually pretty obvious ;)
i then decided; no more asking other people to analyse my character; i'd rather do it myself and do a good job of massaging my ego rather than sit on thorns till i know what the other person thinks about me.